I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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