I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
