Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
only you would photoshop your dick
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Found your dick twin last night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
