I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
