I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
