meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
