On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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