Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He passed out mid-signature
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
