Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
