Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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