yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
