Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
