fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
