I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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