You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize