Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
