Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When are your genitals available?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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