I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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