Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
