i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
