i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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