Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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