New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My life is pants optional.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
