Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize