I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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