You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
