in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
