i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
