I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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