Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
