Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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