I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
