My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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