its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
