I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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