dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize