I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My ATM looks so different sober.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
