I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
