This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
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