Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize