the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
