first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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