Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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