put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
there's paper in my vomit.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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