distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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