It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
