I hate all girls vehemently.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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