yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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