cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
