that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
