True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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