bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i believe in u and ur pee
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
