Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
whose ass print is on the piano?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
