Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
