piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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