is your mom at the bar?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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